I Never Thought I’d Pray For Nutty Professor 3…

I’m sure by now, you’ve been masochistic enough to sit through a trailer for this summer’s Eddie Murphy abortion shitfest crap-in-a-sack film Meet Dave.

If you haven’t heard about it yet, here’s the plot in a nutshell…

A group of tiny aliens, lead by one played by Eddie Murphy, pilot a human body replica….that looks like Eddie Murphy.

Yes, Eddie Murphy piloting Eddie Murphy.

And if that wasn’t enough to sell you, 20th Century Fox is staging a promotional stunt of a lifetime…

THE EDDIE MURPHY GIANT HEAD TOUR!

Seriously, look at that thing!

The giant head of the fallen comedic star will be spreading it’s hate across America, before arriving in Times Square. Where it will be presumably be beaten by hispanic children, which mistake it as a pinata.

Seriously, Eddie…couldn’t you have called it a career after Norbit?

Thanks to Onion’s AV Club for insuring future nightmares.


New Life Goals!

  • Author: Marty Day
  • Filed under: cynicism
  • Date: Jun 2,2008

I’m convinced one of the most underrated comedic and intelligent minds of our times is Adam Carolla.

Seriously.  Sure, The Man Show was a horrible, misogynistic program, and Crank Yankers was just…terrible, but anyone who spent their seminal teenage years listening to Loveline, or currently listens to his solo radio show (which you can podcast, as I talked about here), knows he’s one of the most stableminded, and intriguing public figures going in entertainment…albet with kind of a rough exterior.

Anywho, one of my favorite bits of his over the years was his list of things to do before he died…

I’ve now decided these shall be my goals as well.

Here’s what this map of my future looks like…

  • Have to reach up and put my hand over my girlfriend’s/wife’s mouth from screaming when an enemy is nearby and then put up a ‘Shhh’ finger to her mouth to quiet her
  • Get thrown airborne out of a bar or some sort of establishment
  • Dive into a body of water with a knife clenched in my teeth
  • Have a skateboard move named after me
  • To walk on stage and have someone remove a cape from me
  • Have my hands registered as a weapon in a state
  • Have some part of my body insured
  • Be kicked out of a casino for winning too much
  • Receive a large cardboard check
  • Save someone from quicksand
  • Do the ‘fist-stop-hold-up’ move, then do the two-fingers-in-the-eye move for ‘watch!’ then do the ‘move out’ hand signal, all silently
  • Travel in a building’s air vents.
  • Shoot someone in order to save their life.
  • Receive a novelty size ‘key to the city’
  • Have a girl threaten to kill herself after I break up with her
  • Point to a watch underwater
  • Have someone successfully start a slow clap for me
  • Thwart an ex’s wedding
  • Stop a crime by throwing something at the criminal, thus knocking him/her out as they attempt to flee
  • Clothesline a person on a motorcycle, watch the bike careen out of control, then take the bike and peel out
  • Make the proclamation, “Release the hounds!”
  • Have a wealthy father try to persuade me not ever see his daughter again by offering me a large sum of money

LET’S DO THIS WORLD!


So, Tokyopop? Kind of Pure Evil…

tokyopop_colophon_100506.jpg

While I’ve made no bones about my hero worship for one Mr. Bryan Lee O’Malley in the past, I think this is an instance where everyone needs to take notice.

Last night, he posted a very powerful rant on his blog, and it’s one that basically any creative type within the width of these words needs to take a look at.

The topic? Tokyopop’s new Manga Pilot program. And how it rapes you, as a creator.

And doesn’t just rape, oh no. It does so with glee, by way of a tongue in cheek, asinine contract, that features such wonderful bits as….

“MORAL RIGHTS” AND YOUR CREDIT
“Moral rights” is a fancy term (the French thought it up) that basically has to do with having your name attached to your creation (your credit!) and the right to approve or disapprove certain changes to your creation. Of course, we want you to get credit for your creation, and we want to work with you in case there are changes, but we want to do so under the terms in this pact instead of under fancy French idea. So, in order for us to adapt the Manga Pilot for different media, and to determine how we should include your credit in tough situations, you agree to give up any “moral rights” you might have.

Yep. That is in a contract.  And it gets worse from there.

For the full post, click here, and if you know anyone who this may help/assist, please send the link along.

Personally? Tokyopop never saw a dime from me. And never will.  You will not see a project written by me coming from them, and I hope they get what they deserve.


Impending Sign Of The Apocalypse, No. 3487

As someone of the creative sort, I’ve ran into all kinds of people who I view as taking it a bit too far.

I’m sure you’ve encountered them, the type with bizarre clothing, facial makeup that is just a bit too well designed…those that say they “don’t care” about their appearances, but could not be more obviously designed to grab attention…those that create “music” that has no sense of rhythm, tone or purpose…visual art which doesn’t even have a sense of composition or scope…people who claim that society doesn’t “understand” them, when it could not be more obvious that they themselves are trying intentionally to be so left-of-field to remain an outsider.

This story from Yale Daily News is such an example, gone too far.

I’ll just leave you with the teaser, but the story itself goes farther into this dimension of crazy.

Art major Aliza Shvarts ’08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself “as often as possible” while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

I’m all for the creation of art that makes you think. I’m all for freedom of speech.  This makes me want the terrorists to win.

Ugh.


I Give Up.

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Yep. Fantastic programs like Arrested Development get canceled, skilled actors get ignored, unbelievable writers have to strike to get even a modcrum of respect, but don’t worry, because movies like Beverly Hills Chihuahua still get made.

I hate you Hollywood. And Disney, you’re god damned lucky you have Pixar to carry the slack.

Here’s the synopsis of this future abomination/waste of precious film…

While on vacation in Mexico, Chloe, a ritzy Beverly Hills chihuahua, finds herself lost and in need of assistance in order to get back home

So basically, we now have a movie starring Paris Hilton, in DOG FORM.

And even more? IT TOOK TWO PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SHIT.

Look at that cast too….Andy Garcia, you’ve lost all good will gained from the Ocean’s movies.

I don’t even have the words. I just need some asprin and a good long nap.  If anyone needs me, I’m the dude with his head in the oven.