You ever find yourself wondering what would happen if a group of high philosophy majors decided to write an action film?

Congratulations - your nightmarish movie is now a jarring reality thanks to Luc Besson, and it’s called Lucy.

Lucy is the latest sci-fi action film from the mind of Besson, who gave us some all-time greats with The Professional and The Fifth Element. Sadly, Lucy is not one of those movies.

Lucy stars Scarlett Johansson (Lost In Translation) in the titular role, an American party girl in Taiwan, who due to the actions of her sleazy boyfriend, becomes an on-the-spot drug mule, for a group of local gangsters. The drug? An extremely powerful synthetic called “CPH4". This drug - explained to us by overwrought voiceovers from Morgan Freeman - allows one to gain control beyond the average 10% of one’s brain. Nevermind the fact that this theory of only having 10% control of our brain is hooey - it’s time to make ScarJo a superhero and beat up a bunch of Asian baddies with her mind powers!

The film that follows is one of the most hamfisted action flicks I’ve ever seen. While there are some admirably solid action sequences, the movie strives for an incredible sense of awe and importance which is never earned. It shows you recurring sequences of sped-up stock footage to underline already-obvious imagery, and stark check-ins of how much brain power Lucy has gained (40%, 50% and so on), so that even the most dim of audience members can go “oh, cool - I understand what you’re saying, Mr. Filmmaker!“.

It’s a shame to see Johansson wasted here, same with Freeman. Both seem to be brought in on their prestige alone - Johansson for being the current hot lady bad-ass in demand (showing Besson’s long-running taste for strong female heroines, established with La Femme Nikita), and Freeman for…I dunno, sounding really good in voice over. Johansson’s basically reduced to a body and a lifeless voice, running off countless instances of rambling, important dialogue. The only actor who seems to get a fair shake from the film is Choi Min-Sik’s Mr. Jang, who does an admirable job of channelling Gary Oldman’s Norman Stansfield from The Professional.

I think my issue with Lucy boils down to this - the movie tries to be smarter than it is, and never truly jumps into the realm of the campy action romp it could be. Clearly there’s an audience for a strong female action movie - the history of the Hunger Games franchise shows it, as does Lucy’s fantastic box office - but I just wish that Lucy were the film that its pedigree lead me to believe it could be.

As it stands - it’s in the pile of self-important sci-fi super powered actioners, more in the vein of forgetful flicks like Push than a true franchise starter. A secondary rental at best, I don’t recommend Lucy unless you’ve blown through your other choices, or are an easily-wowed teen.

Lucy hits DVD and Blu-Ray on January 20th, 2015. It’s currently available on VOD (Amazon, iTunes).