Hey there, Studio Heads.
It’s Me, Marty.
Don’t know me? It’s OK. I’m just a humble blogger here at Blast-O-Rama.com, who follows your every move, equality praising you and vilifying you on a regular basis.
Anywho, I hear you’re now looking at rebooting The Fantastic Four (according to the link below, that is).
That sounds awesome! I mean, the Fantastic Four has long been a fun, family based adventure comic, and let’s be honest, the two movies sort of got everything wrong.
Basically, you just need to ape the ending of The Incredibles, give us a fun opening origin sequence, and get us ready for more rollicking adventures, and I’ll be there.
Here’s your problems. In order…
1. It’s too god damn soon. Fantastic Four 2 came out just TWO years ago. We didn’t forget, no matter how badly we want to forget that movie. This WILL hurt you.
2. You have no real “plan”. The master plan is to be “less bubble gum” and more like Iron Man and The Dark Knight. This shows you have NO idea what you’re doing. BUBBLE GUM IS THE FANTASTIC FOUR. Hell, Iron Man is a rollicking fun adventure. But to say you want to do it like The Dark Knight? FANTASTIC FOUR IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE DARK. DARK MOVIES DON’T EQUAL MONEY. A GOOD movie equals money. A Dark Knight-esq Daredevil? Awesome idea. A Dark Knight-esq Moon Knight? Awesome idea. An INCREDIBLES-esq Fantastic Four? That’s more like it.
3. Don’t cast stars, cast characters. Look at those prior FF movies…name actors, and barely a one fit (Chris Evans as Human Torch, that’s about it). Find us the team equivalent of Downey as Iron Man, and we’ll be talking.
Please, just if you bother…wait a few years, and make it worth waiting for.
Thanks gang.
-Marty
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Or just go with Plan B: Mole Man.
And STOP FUCKING UP DR. DOOM! He’s DOCTOR MUTHERFUCKING DOOM, assholes! How do you fuck that up?!